Alright, time to dig out. Chrimbo has come & gone, and I'm trying to figure out why I had such the allergic reaction to it this year. There must be something to learn from it. In good time...
So, it's New Year's Eve. There must be something in the air --odd vapours, peculiar plasms-- because I'm feeling the inclination to make resolutions.
Seriously.
You see, ordinarily I don't hold with That Type Of Thing; you know, gin-fuelled, ill-considered attachment to unreasonable goals, followed by disappointment and self-criticism when they're not met. But of late I've been bouncing a few ideas off of mental walls. Weighing them up. Poking them. Prodding them. Nothing life-transforming, you understand, but I suppose this is as good a time as any to stop molesting them and adopt them. So, without any further ado, I resolve to:
Sort out that thing that I should have sorted out ages ago
I would be grateful if you could see your way to helping me stick to them... A very happy, compassionate, and rockin' 2009 to you all, Dearest Friends!
It's over, so just go away. That's right, push off, and take your commercialism and unrealistic expectations and forced bonhomie with you. Oh, and don't forget all that bloody snow - you can stick it in your sleigh as well. I'm sick of shoveling it.
Well, according to NORAD, Father Christmas is currently over Brian Head, Utah and is heading north. You see, I finally figured it out: Old St Nick is in cahoots with the military-industrial complex and is using alien spacecraft technology adapted by the US Air Force to travel the globe at high hypersonic speeds (see the photo above for PROOF!), distributing gifts in support of the reification of Christmas and general commodity fetishism, which in turn compels people to spend spend SPEND, thereby propping up the Capitalist system.
Shockingly fiendish, isn't it?? But now you know the truth.
Anyway, here are a final few seasonal tunes without which for me Chrimbo would be zilcho. Happy hols, Dearest Friends.
Dearest Friends, you may recall that last Christmas Santa FiL got a bit too full of seasonal spirit(s) and utterly disgraced the red suit. It's true. However, I'm relieved to say that this year he's stayed off the egg nog. Well, not entirely, but he hasn't dissolved his brain in it. That said, there's still Christmas itself to get through, and a bottle of medicinal vodka in the freezer. Just in case...
Speaking of last Christmas (WARNING: FACILE SEGUE ALERT), what about that damn song?? Truth be told, with a skinful in me I can just about appreciate the campy cheesiness of the original by Messrs Ridgeley & Michael. But hearing its insipidness while sober and in a retail establishment in December makes me want to do unspeakably harsh things to shop mannequins. What surprises me, however, is the sheer number of cover versions there are out there of this tat. And while some of them are as bad (if not worse) than the original, I've actually come across a few that, erm, are quite good, actually...
Gordon Campbell - Last Christmas (buy here or e-here) No, not the Premier of BC (at least I think so), but a devotee of the pan pipes. God, how I hate pan pipes. I'm convinced that there's only one Peruvian pan-pipe band in the whole world, but it follows me around everywhere I go, tormenting me on random street corners. But I digress - and I listen with prejudice. OK, this is the only truly awful version here, promise...
Le Sport, Montt Mardié, & Mr Suitcase - Last Christmas (no idea where to find this) If you're off to Ibiza for a bit of a Chrimbo boogie, you might very hear this one. Loungey & housey all at once. Methinks the vocalist must have very tight underpants.Actually, all three of them are Swedes.
Animal - Last Kristmess* You Burst All My Warts (download it and others here) Oboy, this is reeeealy something special. All skippy and trippy and jagged and ragged. Truly glorious in its abomination.
The Revolvers - Last Christmas (buy here) These German punx rock! Dearest Marcy put it up already last week, but I love it soooo much you're going to get it again!! In fact, she's got a few other Last Christmases up, including a very good one by Jimmy Eat World. Please drop by!
Punk People - Last Christmas (buy e-here) Mysterious cover artistes. Chugs along rather nicely (if predictably) & does exactly what it says on the tin - wuntoofreefwarrr!!
So Dearest Wife whips up a batch of lovely gingerbread homunculi, which she and the Delightful Children decorate in a manner appropriate to the season. At my request, they leave me a couple to embellish. After all, it's the family togetherness wot makes this time of the year special, right??
My first attempt results in a rather unconvincing zombie; it was hard to get the exposed brain just right. But my second baked golem turns out rather better; Dearest Friends, I give you the anatomically (more-or-less) correct Ginger Bready, the most sensuous erotic artiste ever to be formed out of pastry. OK, the kids think she's wearing a bikini and holding a cellphone, but y'all know it's really boobs 'n' pubes 'n' lube...
Actually, I blame all this filth on Dearest Tart. Yes, I was lured into the sultry world of Chrimbo smut by her provocative posts here and here. There oughta be a law against this sort of thing, but I'm glad there isn't, because I'm about to drip some seasonally saucy sounds all over you...
The Bellrays - All I Want To Do Is Shag For Christmas (buy e-here) Dear Santa, for Christmas please can you bring me Dearest Wife with a ribbon (and nowt else) round her waist? Just mind where you put her, the tree can get a bit prickly. I've been too good all year. Love, FiL.
Ms Jody - Humping Santa (buy here or e-here) Well, I think the bluesy Ms Jody got EXACTLY what she wanted from the man in red.
The Soul Sisters - Wreck A Buddy (buy here) OK, strictly speaking this isn't a Chrimbo tune, but these Jamaican lasses do get all rude to the tune of Little Drummer Boy. So it counts.
Broken Social Scene - Handjobs For The Holidays (buy here or e-here) A specialty item - you don't see these advertised at Wal-Mart...
And What Will Be Left Of Them? - Have Yourself A Filthy Little Christmas (from the 2006 Filthy Little Angels Xmas album - go download the magnificent 08 edition here) Not the smuttiest song under the tree, but a rollicking tune with the best title! And I hope you do, Dearest Friends, I really hope you do!!
Until now I have been able to avoid it. I looked the other way when Dearest Tart started in on it obscenely early. And I plugged my ears when Dearest Ed started spinning his seasonal discs back at the arse-end of November. But December has ushered in the relentless tyranny of green and red and bells and fa-la-la-la-fucking-la. I cannot escape it and so I grudgingly accept an egg nog latte made with two parts schmaltz, two parts tension, and a diluted shot of cheer.
Christmas is coming.
Let's get one thing straight: I'm no Scrooge. I want it to be all about generosity and kindness and compassion. And I try very hard to make it so. Always have, always will, this year no exceptioin. But what Chrimbo inevitably turns out to be is stress and conflicting expectations and strained diplomacy and arguments and obligatory, joyless socializing and mutually unsatisfying compromise and orgiastic consumerism. Oh yes, the screams to buy buy BUY that are louder than ever this year as the keepers of the capitalist beast shame and guilt and exhort the financially stressed to spend so as to feed their starving pet.
But there is the music. Yes, there's quite a lot of good Christmas music about, in amongst the shite and tripe. Let's have us a bit of music, shall we? Accentuate the positive, and all that.
Maybe this year will be different...
Oscar the Grouch - I Hate Christmas (buy here) I grew up hanging out with Oscar in his trashcan. Do you think he's the same species as Yoda??
Shrag - Stop the Revelry (I downloaded it here a couple of years ago) A magnificently bittersour tune from these mighty Brighton artrockers. With parping Chrimbo keyboards to boot!!
The Sonics - Don't Believe in Christmas (buy here) Vintage Seattle garage rawkers calling it as they feel it.
Jet Boys - Merry Christmas, Fuck You (buy here or e-here) A younger vintage of Japanese garage rawkers calling it as they feel it.
Velodrome 2000 - Christmas Sucks (buy here) Defunct Sheffield indiepop outfit flies the anti-hols flag high...
Oh, good Lord, it's been a bloody age, hasn't it? Look, I promise to tell you all about The Trip, but right now my time is all mashed up with work, kids, and that bloody pain in the arse known as Christmas. So please let me be glib and say: "Speaking of mashed up..."
The ever faaabulous Contrast Podcast this week serves up a steaming plate of delicious mash(ups), with a few bangers thrown in for good measure. And Dearest Tim's even gone and made his own delectable dish!! Download the whole heap of potatoes here, and tell us how tasty you find it all here.
There are those who say the mashup has had it's day, and that even in its day it was the province of geeky, middle-class, white boys with too much time and money on their hands who shamelessly plundered hip-hop tunes. Well, if that's true then some of those white boys whipped up some arse-shakingly good stuff. And if as a result little Tarquin of Teddington discovered the joys of Jay-Z mixed in with his Hot Chip, then so much the better!!
The track I submitted is my all-time favourite serving of mash, but there are a whole slew of others that get my booty going. And here they are:
Speaking of mashups and potatoes and white folks (and in honour of Tim putting some Snoop in da mix), here's Martha Stewart vs Snoop Dogg mashing potatoes together. For real.
Goodness, I hope regularly scheduled programming returns soon...
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. I'd like it if you'd come along, at least for a while. We'll have some fun, maybe sing a few songs together. Sound OK?
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