I Will Not Buy This Record, It Is Scratched

Yes, this week Contrast Podcast takes us back to the age of vinyl as contributors dig up their favourite 45s and offer them up with a good side order of nostalgia. And what luscious nuggets! 'Public Image' by PiL - one of FiL's all-time favourites!! Aztec Camera's 'Oblivious!! Oh my, I'm hyperventialting

For all you youngsters in the audience, before them megabytes and shiny cee-deez came along, music often came in the form of plastic discs etched with grooves that were played on contraptions called gramophones with needles and large trumpets. Indeed, listening to music in those days was a cumbersome and dangerous process requiring complex problem-solving skills to decide whether to play one's vinyl platter at thirty-three or forty-five revolutions per minute. Getting it wrong often meant deep puncture wounds from the needles or even decapitation from over-rotating records flying through the air. You kids don't know how easy you have it...

But I digress. As usual, you can download the podcast from here, or subscribe using this digital, analog-free feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.

And now let's cue up the record, shall we?

(00:00) Scott Walker - Jackie
Tim from The face of today
(03:47) Jenny Lewis - Paradise
Eric Metronome
(07:33) Booker T. and the M.G.’s - Green Onions
Deek from Pod of Funk
(11:48) Marlena Shaw - California soul
Tim from The Daily Growl
(15:09) Nino Tempo & April Stevens - Deep Purple
Steve from Domino Rally
(18:39) The Spare Blushes - Um, yeah, whatever
Tristesse from And before the first kiss
(23:48) Superchunk - Mower
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus
(28:21) Screaming Lord Sutch - Jack the Ripper
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock
(31:25) Dickie Goodman - Mr Jaws
Tom from Other People’s Toys
(34:03) Stories - Brother Louie
Natalie from Mini-Obs
(38:25) Leatherface - Little white god
Jamie from The Run Out Groove
(42:53) Subway Sect - Ambition
FiL from Pogoagogo
(46:59) Pale Fountains - Something on my mind
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away
(50:25) Aztec Camera - Oblivious
Crash from Pretending life is like a song
(54:20) Frank Sinatra - All my tomorrows
Michael from The Yank Sizzler
(58:20) PiL - Public Image
SAS Radio

As mentioned in a recent post, I've only just managed to hook up a rickety old turntable to my PC, and the vinyl I have on hand is limited. However, I do have a couple more ripped-from vinyl tracks, both played at 45rpm that were in the running:

Carter USM - Sheriff Fatman (buy here

Ah, memories of Jim Bob and Fruitbat, two skinny blokes with squiffy hair and cycling togs onstage at the Cambridge Corn Exchange, circa 1992. And I once saw John 'Fat Bastard' Beast at Hammersmith Tube Station. But I digress - ripped (imperfectly) from the 1989 12-inch single. Oh, and USM stands for 'Unstoppable Sex Machine.'

Birdland - Paradise (buy here for one lousy US penny!!)

Birdland raged hard for about a year between 1989 and 1990. They were meteoric, carving a white-hot trail through the night sky with a clutch of fantastic songs and electric live shows. Indeed, they inspired the Manic Street Preachers to take up arms. But alas, like the shooting stars they were, they fell back down to earth and drowned in a sea of grunge, mismanagement, and a poor first album. 'Paradise' was the band's second single, and is ripped here from the 1989 12-inch released by Lazy Records.

And for those of you Hungarians wanting English lessons, I point you here.

Of Seagulls, Crockett, and Mullets

I ran so far away...

Dearest Friends, we had a party on Saturday night. But the strangest thing happened... You see, as we were getting ready, there was a slight, yet perceptible slip in the temporal continuuum and all of a sudden the calendar had spun back twenty years or so.

The fridge filled itself with wine coolers and jugs of Fuzzy Navels appeared on the kitchen table.

Sheena Easton perched on our mantlepiece and Billy Idol on our bathroom door.

Then the guests started to arrive. Joan Collins. Jennifer Beales from Flashdance. Some New Wave dude in a skinny tie. Melanie Griffiths out of Working Girl. A couple of chicks looking for an aerobics class. A cop calling himself Detective Sonny Crockett. And two mullets. Most peculiar.

Then, lo and behold, who should appear one of the Flock of Seagulls. It's true. Though the air was hazy wth nostalgia, we managed to snap a fuzzy piccie of him, hanging out with Joan. Look up top, FiL tells no lies!

And the stere-ere-ereo played some fine old tuneage. Here, have a listen:

Animotion - Obsession (buy here)
Big Country - Fields of Fire (buy here)
The Jam - Town Called Malice (buy here)
Ministry - Effigy (buy here)
Musical Youth - Pass the Dutchie (buy here)
Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield (buy here)
X - Breathless (buy here)

But when we woke up on Sunday morning, it was once again 2007, and all we had left from our time shift were empty wine cooler bottles and electric dreams.

La Vie En Rose

Dance, in the old-fashioned way...

This afternoon I strolled over to Granville Island on my lunch hour. While it was a bit nippy, the fog of the past few days and this morning's rime had been dispersed by a gentle sun. Light clouds ambled across a pale-blue sky.

My errands complete and my lunch munched, I drifted past the plaza outside of La Baguette et l'Echalote, a rather yummy bakery. One of the Island's regular buskers, a lean, dapper, bespectacled guitarist/chanteur, was singing "La Vie En Rose." As his calm strumming and evocative voice floated en air, a young couple took to the empty plaza and began to dance.

They stood face-to-face. He put one hand on her lower back, she put one of hers on his shoulder. Their other hands clasped outstretched. He was clad in a Goretex raincoat with a beanie jammed down tightly on his head. She wore jeans, thick-rimmed glasses, and clumpy approach shoes. They were not particularly good dancers. But as they moved uncertainly around the empty plaza, to me they seemed to glide. They were in love, and for the briefest of interludes I was caught in that sweet, crystallized moment.

This has lingered with me all day, and I wanted to share it with you, Dear Friends.

Edith Piaf - La Vie En Rose (buy here)

Charles Aznavour - The Old-Fashioned Way (buy here)

Adult Entertainment

Vegas really has it all...

WARNING: The following post contains mature subject matter, coarse language, and situations of a sexual nature. Reader discretion is advised. OK, with that out of the way...

Dearest Friends, I have just returned from four days in that modern Sodom & Gommorrah, Las Vegas. And let me tell you that it is indeed a city steeped in sin. Indeed, I feared that my sudden reintroduction to the healthy, wholesome life back home would result in explosive moral decompression. But thankfully I was saved from such fate by this week's Contrast Podcast. Yes, if it hadn't been for the buffer of sleaze provided by this week's 'X-Rated' theme, things could have been messy...

Without any further ado (coz I can hear you panting like dogs in heat), let me direct you to the pot o' sleaze cooked up by Raunchy Tristesse and stirred enthusiastically by Mucky Tim. You can download this filth directly from here, or you can satisfy your urges on a regular basis by subscribing to the following RSS feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.


(00:39) Cars Can Be Blue - Dirty Song
Sid from Too Much Rock
(02:16) Consolidated with the Yeastie Girls - You suck
Tristesse from And before the first kiss
(07:13) Gert Wilden - Follow me
Michael from The Yank Sizzler
(10:45) Monty Python - Sit on my face
Lyle from Mentok the Mindtaker
(12:19) Kiss - Let’s put the X in sex
Taylor from T-Sides
(16:52) N.W.A. - Straight outta Compton
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock
(21:19) 101 Strings Orchestra - I got it bad & that ain’t good
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away
(25:20) Madonna - Where life begins
Matt from Earfarm
(31:14) Super Furry Animals - The man don’t give a fuck
Tutu Vicar from The world won’t listen
(36:06) Mr Bungle - Squeeze me macaroni
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus
(40:57) Nirvana - Wet vagina
Waffles from Waffles radio
(44:52) Billy Bragg - Cindy of 1000 lives
Crash from Pretending life is like a song
(49:13) Frank Zappa & The Mothers - Dinah Moe Humm
Natalie from Mini-Obs
(55:49) Lesbians on Ecstacy - Pleasureprincipal
FiL from Pogoagogo
(01:02:20) Naomi Hall - Until I drown
SAS Radio
(01:05:35) Tenacious D - Fuck her gently
Marcy from Lost in your inbox

At the risk of incriminating myself, let me say that I had an embarrasment of x-rated songs to choose from. See? I'm really a bad FiL, a dirty FiL, who needs to be punished. So send the kids out of the room and have a listen to these heavy breathers:

20 Fingers - Short Dick Man (buy here)

Somewhat annoying, yet oddly compelling choon guaranteed to make most men out there feel completely inadequate.

IDC - Power Slut Kiss [Har Mar Superstar vs Prince] (visit here)

Not as explicit as the rest of the stuff on offer, but this is a deliciously sexy mashup. Squeeze it out, smear it all over your gyrating body, and see what happens.

Bimbo Boy - I'll Make You Come (download more here)

Cheezy, Euro-deesco pap with mondo rauncho lyrics from gay Swedish club icon Dennis Svedberg Hellström. Yes, I also think "Bimbo Boy" is a much better name.

Berlin - Sex (I'm A...) (buy here or e-here)

Miss Terri Nunn was single-handedly responsible for an outbreak of hairy palms amongst teenage lads during the 1980s.

Black Flag - Slip It In (buy here or e-here)

Hardcore in both senses of the word.

Wayne County & The Electric Chairs - Fuck Off (buy here)

Jane (nee Wayne) County is one of my faaavourite transsexual divas, second only to the lovely Dana International of Eurovision fame. But Jane does rock harder.

Next week's CP theme is 'My Favourite 45,' so dust off your old vinyl, plug the phonograph into the PC, and rip your favourite single for submission. Full details on how to submit (yes, Mistress, whip me, beat me, teach me how to love... Oops, sorry, got a little distracted there) can be found right over here.

Vegas report coming soon...

Heaven or Las Vegas?

Well, the truth is I don't really have any choice. I'm off to Las Vegas this weekend, so heaven will have to wait. Of course there are those who equate Las Vegas with heaven, but I cannot count myself amongst them.

I have never visited Vegas and, truth be told, it would not even bother the nether end of my "100 Places To Go Before I Die" list. Indeed, the only reason I'm going is to attend a work-related conference (if any of you do locate a Las Vegas conference calendar, let me assure you that the Credit Association of Footwear Executives shindig is not the reason for my trip). I did mention to Dearest Wife that we might go early and make a weekend of it, just because, but even my suggestion that we could renew our wedding vows at an Elvis chapel of luuurve failed to entice her.

So, why my lack of enthusiasm? To start with, I derive absolutely no pleasure from gambling; my heart does not flutter at the thought of blackjack, nor does the roulette wheel send me all tilt-a-whirl. On top of that, Vegas has always conjured up for me distasteful associations of grotesque excess and parochialism. I mean, why the bloody hell would anyone want to go see an ersatz rendition of the Great Sphinx of Giza in Nevada? Get on a plane and see the real thing in Cairo! Oh, I see, you want to stuff your face at an all-you-can eat buffet and see that dreadful Celine Dion chick warble all in the same holiday. Ye, gods!!

Yet despite my disdain, I find myself on the eve of my departure actually looking forward to the trip with a sense of morbid fascination, which surprises me. And so I step back and ask myself: why? First, I will admit to an ironic attraction to the kitsch. Skinny Elvis rocks 'n' rules, but Fat Elvis enthralls. Let the white tigers go free, I say, but that won't stop me from marvelling at the mammoth bronze busts of Siegfried & Roy (& lion) at the Mirage, where I will be staying. Second, despite my dislike of the Disneylandesque imperative to copy and sanitize the foreign for home consumption, I will be intrigued at the engineering required to recreate Venice's Grand Canal, complete with gondolas and gondolieri, at the Venetian. Third, I must admit to being attracted by the theatre and melodrama of a place where everyone seems to be pretending or aspiring to be something or someone else.

So, will I come back disgusted and repulsed, or charmed and exhilarated? Or both? Or neither? Aha, I think I get it: I really don't know what to expect. In many ways for me this is a trip into the unknown, and that's exactly the kind of trip I love the most.

Anyway, Dear Friends, my jaunt means that I'm unlikely to be around much until the latter part of next week. Do take care of yourselves, and I will leave you with a few Vegas tunes to enjoy until we meet again.

Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas (buy here or e-here)
Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas (buy here or e-here)
Suicide - Goin' to Las Vegas (buy here or e-here)

P.S. Spoilt Victorian Child is back. Rejoice! Then go visit him here.

Acting Silly

Play that funky music, Nimoy...

But, soft! what cacophony doth yonder eardum break? Yes, this week Contrast Podcast features actors who got a bit beyond themselves and decided to turn their hand to making music. But for the mirth and merriment their attempts have provoked, I think we'd all agree they should have stuck to their scripts. So, if you dare, you can download the podcast directly here or subscribe using this direct feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.

And so, without further ado, lights, camera, and a one-two-three-four:

Playlist:
(00:00) Orson Welles - I know what it is to be young (but you don’t know what it is to be old)
Tim from the face of today
(05:25) Isabelle Adjani - Le bonheur c’est malheureux
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away
(08:44) John Goodman - People like us
Jarrod from Living in fear is no good to anyone
(13:30) Dogstar (Keanu Reeves) - Cornerstore
Andy from Circles of Concrete
(18:20) 30 seconds to Mars (Jared Leto) - Capricorn
Waffles from Waffles radio
(22:29) Leonard Nimoy - The ballad of Bilbo Baggins
FiL from Pogoagogo
(25:51) William Shatner - In love
Marcy from Lost in your inbox
(30:49) Jennifer Love-Hewitt - Me and Bobby McGee
Natalie from Mini-Obs
(34:49) Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue - Where the wild roses grow
Tutu Vicar from The world won’t listen
(38:49) Vincent Gallo - Laura
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock
(42:47) Julie Delpy - A waltz for the night
Crash from Pretending life is like a song

Yep, the tuneless Mr Spock Leonard Nimoy was the Screamer Of The Week for me, and I've been waiting for a chance to unload that 'Bilbo Baggins' tune on you poor (but still Dear) unfortunates for some time now. Apparently some record exec in the late sixties saw Nimoy as the next teenage heartthrob, and thought 'Bilbo' would be the tune to break him. There was even a video of sorts recorded for some hip, kids show of the time. With only the highest in production values, it really must be seen to be believed. And lo, via the magic of YouTube, I can give you the experience right here.

However, there were two other contenders, both as egregious as Leonard Baggins, but truth be told I did not want to dwell on the choice too long as I feared I might actually start liking these songs. Actually, consider yourselves lucky, as I nearly foisted David Hasselhoff on you. Yes, that hunk of cheese, he of Knightrider and Baywatch fame, went and got himself a singing 'career' in the late eighties. Truth be told, the Germans love him and his jaw-dropping schmaltz-o-pop. Indeed, the title track of his his first album, 'Looking For Freedom,' became an anthem of unification and stayed at number one for eight weeks. Hey, 82 million Teutons can't be wrong - or can they?? I offer up evidence that they most certainly can in the form of The Hoffmeister's 1997 cover of Jonathan King's 1971 cover of (are you still with me?) B.J. Thomas's 1969 hit, 'Hooked on a Feeling.' Exhibit A: the indescribable video. Exhibit B: the song itself, reproduced below in full 128 kbps glory. Altogether now: OOGA CHAKKA!!

David Hasselhoff - Hooked on a Feeling (buy here, but don't tell anyone that you did)

The other contender was Eddie Murphy's 1985 hit 'Party All The Time.' No use begging folks, I'm on a roll here and will not stop. Produced and written by Rick "Superfreak" James, it boasts Eddie putting on a formidable falsetto. Oh, alright, seeing as you're now all threatening to slash your wrists, I'll end it here. Just be grateful I didn't go for 'Boogie In Your Butt.' But you can't resist clicking the link below, can you??

Eddie Murphy - Party All the Time (buy here)

Next week's theme, suggested by Dearest Tristesse of And Before the First Kiss, is 'X-Rated.' I'm counting on all of you to flood Tim's inbox with filth and smut galore - and I'm sure you are all up to the task! To find out how you can participate in the debauchery, just follow these easy steps.

For those of you forward thinkers, in two weeks time Contrast Podcast will be featuring 'My Favourite 45.' The idea is to submit your favourite single, preferably recorded directly from a much-loved, 7-inch circle of vinyl. So get cracking! Oh, and for all you kidz born with silver compact discs in your mouths: the hiss, crackle, and pops are all part of the experience.

For some time I've had Dearest Father-In-Law's antediluvian Dual 1210 turntable sitting next to the PC, and the '45' theme finally prompted me to try hooking it up and generating some sound. So, after much tinkering and some creative engineering to make the knackered stylus work, I managed to rip my first piece of vinyl. Yaaay! And the track I chose? The frantic, shouty, metallic 'Amok' by German industrial dance nutter Ledernacken. Think of him as the anti-Hasselhoff. And speaking of x-rated, well, my German is very rusty, but trust me when I say the lyrics ain't no nursery rhyme. For many, many years this 12-inch single lay unplayed, and I was unable to source a CD version anywhere. So though the sound quality isn't perfect, I'm thrilled to finally have it digitized and to be able to share it with you, Dearest Friends. Get your hobnailed jackboots on and dance, dance, dance!

Ledernacken - Amok (try finding it on eBay)

Just Doin' The Do

Oh, my word! Who would have thought it would come to this? A whole gaggle of grown men reduced to tittering hormonal lusting longing vainly after a flash-in-the-pan, nineties pop sensationette. But it's true. Oh, Betty Boo, where are you baby? We used to have so much fun. You drive me crazy...

I blame Young Tim of Contrast Podcast fame. Yes, had he not chosen BB's (N.B. Not to be confused with that other BB, Billy Bragg, a/k/a the Big-Nosed Bard of Barking) frugtastic 1990 hit 'Where Are You Baby?' as his submission for this week's cast, none of this would have happened. But he did, and you can read about the resulting kerfuffle over here. Thanks Tim, hope you realized you've whacked all of our hormonal balances completely out of equilibrium.

I asked myself what it is about BB that set me all aflutter those seventeen (gulp!) years ago. I mean, to start with, it really wasn't my kinda music. On top of that, her singing was nothing extraordinary, and her rapping was more Vanilla Ice / Wee Papa Girl Rappers rather than LL Cool J / Missy Elliott. She was Drop Dead Gorgeous (apologies to Republica, who, come to think of it, also boasted a rather pulchritudinous female lead singer), but that itself is not sufficient. I think what really did it was the irresistable, popaliciously hooky tuneage of that first album (Boomania), combined with the quirky comic-book, retro sci-fi style in which she was wrapped. To tell you the truth, I blanked everything else that followed, but that succulent debut has made me a permanent slave to her rhythm. And so to compliment Tim's submission, I give you both this here video and that there song:

Betty Boo - Doin' The Do (buy here)

Betty recently re-emerged with Blur's Alex James as WigWam, which purported to offer "experimental yet accessible 21st century pop". Their 2006 release met with an underwhelming reaction. I don't really want to talk about it, but you can have a look over here.

Alright Luvs, in an attempt to stop the hot flashes, let me now turn my hand to a spot of housecleaning. Hold on while I slip into me housecoat, put on me headscarf, and grab my featherr duster. There, all set. Now let's tidy the old blogroll. The time has come to remove a few departed cyberfriends from the shelf. So farewell it is to Capas de Culto (muito obrigado, Mary!), Good Hodgkins, Clever Titles Are So Last Summer, This Isn't What It Looks Like (hope to see you around, Dear Galateaa), and You Can Call Me Betty (do tell us when the podcasts go live, Oh Simone). As Abba once sang, thank you for the music.

But along with tidying up comes sprucing up. To wit, I'm very happy to be placing a few shiny, new friends on the pogo a go-go mantlepiece. So please welcome Crash Calloway at pretending life is like a song, JC tha Funky Caledonian at Vinyl Villain, and Dearest Dr Tristesse at Before The First Kiss (hmm, I feel I know you from somewhere...). They are all lovely people with fantastic taste in music, so do go visit them - links are over on the right.

There, that looks much better. Time to hang up the housecoat...

And finally, we started in 1990, but we'll end in the 1980s. You see, in a few weeks we will be hosting an eighties party, and I've been preparing the soundtrack in advance. So far I have over five hours of music queued up on the old laptop, which is a good start, but there is still more to be mined. In digging through the hard drive, I unearthed two rough gems that rocked my teenage world. I remember spending many pubescent hours in front of my boom box, fingers poised to hit Play/Record, waiting for some fine WLIR DJ or other to play them. So, Dearest Friends, here they are, from me to you:

Cult Hero - I Dig You (buy here)
Cult Hero were basically early Cure in disguise, and the song was written to see if Robert Smith & Simon Gallup were musicaly compatible. It manages to be menacing, hypnotic, and groovy all at once, and the dumb lyrics (enunciated by Smith's postman, wouldja believe) are just a scream.

Beastie Boys - Cooky Puss (buy here)
The first Beastie track I ever heard. Essentially a series of prank phone calls set to crunching, phat beats and bass overlaid with pimordial scratching. For the uninitiated, Cookie Puss is an cake made by Carvel, a US ice cream franchise. Yo, where's the supervisor at??

Where Are We Now?

Death by PowerPoint

This Tuesday finds Contrast Podcast somewhat positionally challenged, as it asks the question: "Where?" The contributors valiantly try to help it out of its quandary with a characteristically eclectic slew of songs. To hear the directional fun, you can either download the 'cast here, or subscribe using the following RSS feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.

Where am I going with this? Right here:

(00:00) Betty Boo - Where are you baby?
Tim from the face of today

(03:42) The Pixies - Where is my mind?
Natalie from Mini-Obs

(07:51) The Smiths - Nowhere fast
Jamie from The run out groove

(10:41) Digable planets - Where I’m from
Matt from Earfarm

(14:51) Bratmobile - Where eagles dare
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus

(16:57) Camper Van Beethoven - Where the hell is Bill?
FiL from Pogoagogo

(19:34) Santa Cruz - Where were you?
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away

(22:05) Nine Inch Nails (remixed by Danny Lohner feat. Telefon Tel Aviv) - Where is everybody?
Cindy from Adzuki bean stash

(26:57) Ted Leo - Where have all the rude boys gone?
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock

(31:52) Soft Cell - Where was your heart (when you needed it most) ?
Crash from Pretending life is like a song

(36:42) The Paper Chase - We know where you sleep
Alex from Totally true tales from Texas

(41:17) Iron Maiden - 22 Acacia Avenue
Waffles from Waffles radio

(48:01) Caplyn - Where did it all go wrong?
GD from Bitesize Bonus

(52:33) Mr Hopkinson’s Computer - Where is my Mind?
Simon from You can call me Betty

(56:39) Richard & Linda Thompson - Down where the drunkards roll
Tristesse from And before the first kiss


Next week's theme is 'Stick To Acting,' so trot out your favourite example of thespians trying to be musicians. You can find out how to submit your ravishing selections over here. I do so hope someone will turn up something like a lost album of Helen Mirren covering Cannibal Corpse...

And so, onto my list of also-rans, i.e. those songs that engaged in a toe-to-toe smackdown with Camper van Beethoven but lost. I present them to you in all their vanquished glory. Mock them not, for they gave it their all and only a treacherous folding chair to the head (unnoticed by Referee FiL) knocked them out of contention:

Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper? (buy e-here)
Those Sultans pinged most magnificently on the UK scene around 1992, then went on to become relatively big in Japan. I love this frantic single more than I can really say in this family-oriented forum. However, I saw them open for The Ramones in London back in 1996, and was quite disappointed by what was quite possibly the worst performance I have ever seen. They broke up shortly thereafter, but decided to reform in 2005 and have another go at finding that jumper...

Therapy? - Nowhere (buy here or e-here)
Though I'm more partial to Therapy?'s earlier, grindier stuff (I mean, how can you beat the lyric 'James Joyce is fucking my sister' screamed at top volume??), this 1994 offering is a fine slab of pop underpinned by some fast & furious Judas-Priestian chugging. After that I sort of lost interest, but am open to reconsidering my position.

Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper - Elvis is Everywhere (buy here or e-here)
He is, you know. Go on, look under your bed. I dare you.

And for the record, Betty Boo was in my death cage match as well. Seems she got chucked out of mine, but won the battle royale over round Tim's way. Hooray!

And finally, in other news, Elizabeth's Roaring Machine has produced two most impressive compilations of Joy Division covers. The first is a glorious amalgam of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' versions, and the second a fantastic smorgasbord of stabs at 'Ceremony.' Talk about the sweetest ache.

Right, I've settled into the sofa with a nice cuppa builder's tea and am about to watch "End Of The Century: The Story Of The Ramones." Hey ho, let's go!! Oh, alright, since you asked so nicely, here's a gratuitous track by Da Bruddas:

The Ramones - Blitzkreig Bop (buy da choonz here, and the DVD here)

Out WithThe Old, In With The New

Mayne Island, or thereabouts, 30 Dec 2006

It's a bit odd, really. I've been finding it rather difficult to get this year going. No particular reason springs to mind, but it does seem to be taking several attempts to get it's motor started. Of late it's rather like the Squealing Pigmobile, which has been requiring several turns of the ignition to wake up on our sub-zero mornings. Well, we'll keep at it and hope to find our stride soon.

I hope you all had the holiday season you wished for. Ours was like the proverbial curate's egg: good in parts (Note to all philologists: yes, yes, I know the original joke was meant to satirize brown-nosing, but I'm using the phrase in the vulgate). Mother joined us for a week around Christmas, and was even more baggage-laden than the last time she came. Sigh. I was pleased, however, that she chose not to spend her first Yuletide of widowhood on her own. And everyone --especially me-- appreciated the delicious Christmas Eve, or Wigilia, meal she prepared consisting of traditional Polish fayre of the season: barszsz with mushroom dumplings, herring in oil, and pierogi, all washed down with a couple of shots of viscous, ice-cold vodka. Most impressively, she put the meal together while our kitchen sink was being unblocked a spotty, young plumber who was obviously as displeased at having been called out to spend two hours scrabbling in our crawlspace on the night before Christmas as we were at having to call him out and pay his fee. But that baggage of hers, sheesh. I have no idea how to begin helping her to unpack it. Unfortunately she developed a cold that turned into a minor chest infection upon her return home to New York, and which she stridently blamed on me for keeping the house too cold. Boo, hiss, bad son...

Christmas morn was a blast and a hoot. Everyone was thrilled to see that Father Christmas had indeed stopped by and had enjoyed the homemade gingerbread cookies left out for him. Darling Daughter was vindicated in her decision to set out a glass of milk rather than the shot of whisky that I had suggested, as the cup had been drunk dry. The crumbs of carrot scattered on the plate testified that the reindeer had appreciated their snack as well. The children were thrilled with their swag, and FiL was pleasantly surprised to receive an unsolicited Decemberists CD under the tree. But the gift that tickled me the most was the fully-functional toy chainsaw that Little Man received (see right). I had much fun wielding it myself.

Christmas over and Mother back in NYC, it was off to see out 2006 on Mayne Island with Dearest T, who survived the best (and very successful) efforts of British Airways to lose his bags. T is one of our closest friends, and it was wonderful to see him for the first time since we left England some eighteen months ago. Though going to the island is always a joy for me, for some reason the children were not on finest form, and they spent much of their time squabbling and being ornery. What was that about never working with kids or animals? Double sigh. Still, we had a couple of magical walks along the surreally eroded shores of the island, and during one such amble we were accompanied by a couple of sea lions out for a leisurely swim of their own. Dearest T and I also bumped into more pinnipeds during one invigorating morning spent kayaking on the steely blue winter waters around Mayne. We were shadowed by snorting harbour seals, who were either impressed by our intrepidness or amused by our relative human clumsiness. Unfortunately I don't speak seal well enough to tell which it was.

Oh and as for New Year's Eve? Well, it was less than raucous. Suffice it to say that around 10:30 PM I put down my newspaper and looked around from my comfy chair. Dearest T was sitting to my left playing solitaire (with real cards!!), Dearest Wife was to my right on the sofa reading a National Geographic, and the dog was curled up near the wood stove, snoring gently. I think we all retired shortly thereafter.

One of the key attractions of Vancouver is the relative ease of access to skiing, so after returning to Vancouver, T and I nipped up last Saturday to Cypress Mountain for a spot of skiing. Actually, we went to Grouse Mountain first, but redeployed because the previous night's windstorm had knocked out power to the facilities. Cypress was most enjoyable, though it was rather surreal to be whizzing down the slopes while looking out over the water towards Vancouver Island. During our time in the car that day, two CDs that found themselves on repeated spin were Auld Mr Smith's 'Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me' and the faaabulous 'I, Lucifer' by The Real Tuesday Weld (accept no impostors).

The Cure - Catch (buy here)
The Real Tuesday Weld - Terminally Ambivalent Over You (buy here)

Speaking of CDs, I have been meaning to tell you for some time that I've been thoroughly enjoying the sophomore album by Memphis, 'A Little Place In he Wilderness.' And guess what? On the day that I finaly decide to pull my finger out, I find that Dearest Marcy has also chosen to sing ther praises. Marvellous synchronicity, eh? Anyway, it is a lovely piece of work, and a fine example of how delicious the fruit of Canadian-American collaboration can be. By turns lush, bucolic, melancholic, haunting, and reflective, the album does not have a dud track. Definitely not a curate's egg, but rather a golden one. And it doesn't matter that the singer Torquil Campbell sounds like Paddy "Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque" McAloon from Prefab Sprout. Honestly, trust me. Head on over to Lost In Your Inbox to get Marcy's take, but before you do have a listen to this:

Memphis - In The Cinema Alone (buy here)

And so that is how 2006 ended and how 2007 has started, Dear Friends.

On Another Planet

Beware the Devil Girl from Mars!!

Dearest Friends, it feels like I've been away on another planet for just aaages! In actual fact, it's been ten days or so since I last entered the blogosphere - egads! That's like a year in cybertime. I shudder to think how behind the edge I must be. I mean, swathes of bands must have faded in and out of cool during this time. Sigh. But anyway, I'm back, and pleased to be so. I look forward to catching up with you all.

Speaking of planets (note: all charges of contrivance must be filed in quadruplicate with the relevant authorities on, and only on, the fifth Thursday of the month), this week Contrast Podcast takes to the heavens with its theme of "Planets and Other Heavenly Bodies." Tim has fired up the old flying saucer and I think we're in for a truly cosmic experience. Heed his siren call to the stars, select your space conveyance of choice, and come listen to Podcastica Galactica!! You can go to hyperspace directly via this link, or you can subscribe via the following RSS feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.

And so, onto our planetary itinerary:

(00:00) Yo La Tengo - Moonrock mambo
Tim from the face of today

(04:23) Wheat - Closer to Mercury
Crash from Pretending life is like a song

(08:15) 2 Skinnee J’s - Pluto
Tom from Other People’s Toys

(12:17) Torchomatic - Venus calling Earth
GD from Bitesize Bonus

(16:16) Animals that swim - Near the moon
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock

(19:18) T.Rex - Planet Queen
Mu from Faces for radio

(23:15) The Police - Walking on the moon
Rick from Are you embarassed easily?

(28:47) Red Hot Chili Peppers - On Mercury
Andy from Circles of concrete

(32:35) Ash - Girl from Mars
FiL from Pogoagogo

(37:37) Sun Ra - Rocket number nine take off for the planet Venus
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away

(43:58) Glenn Tilbrook - Neptune
Natalie from Mini-Obs

(48:21) Moonbabies - Stars of Warburton
Marcy from Lost in your inbox

(53:21) Kronos Quartet - Marquee moon
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus

Next week, CP goes all questionable with the theme "Where?" To find out how you can participate, hop over here.

For this particular voyage throughout the solar system, I was fortunate to be accompanied by Dearest T and Dearest Wife. A finer crew I could not have wished for. I hope you will thrill to the tension and danger of our wee space opera. As for the music, Ash won out by a fraction of a light year, but a few other ditties came close:

The Pixies - Planet of Sound (buy here )
"One fine day in my odd past, I picked me up a transmission." Trompe le Monde isn't my favourite Pixies album, but this song gets me to Warp Factor 9 every time.

Zombina & The Skeletones - Red Planet (buy here)
The Cramps go surf 'n' ska on the set of Night of the Living Dead. Worra lorra fun, fun, fun from these groovy, ghoulish, garage Liverpudlians.

The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet (buy here)
The original version of this poptastic classic, and the best. All other versions --by Blink-182, The Replacements, The Mighty Lemon Drops, etc-- are but dwarf stars to Pete Perrett's grandiose gas giant.

Also in the running was the lovely Interplanet Janet of Schoolhouse Rock fame, but in the end I decided that without the visuals it wouldn't be the same. Apologies to my Dear non-US Friends, as this probably did not feature on your childhood cultural roadmap. But I'm sure all you Yanks out there, at least those of a certain age, will feel the tug of nostalgia as you watch this:

Happy Noo Ear

Nothing changes on New Year's Day...

Dearest Friends, I am back in Blogville, but only for a fleeting moment. The end of the year is nigh, and you all know what that means, eh? Time for a funky New Year's Eve party! If you're looking for a fin d'annee soundtrack, head on over to Contrast Podcast, where Old Father Tim(e) has a fantastic one on offer. You can download it here or subscribe to all the upcoming 2007 'casts by using this RSS feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast. The lineup is:

(00:00) Ella Fitzgerald - What are you doing New Year’s Eve?
Tim from the face of today
(04:18) The Zombies - This will be our year
Hiram from The Harvey Girls
(07:04) Asobi Seksu - New Years
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock
(10:09) The Buzzcocks - Boredom
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus
(13:44) The Dismemberment Plan - Ice of Boston
Chip from Donewaiting
(18:52) U2 - New Years Day
FiL from Pogoagogo
(25:06) AC/DC - Have a drink on me
Natalie from Mini-Obs
(29:32) Paul Weller - Brand new start
Crash from Pretending life is like a song
(33:30) Yu Fei Men - Happy New Year
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away
(37:43) The Alice Project - I hope this year is better than the last
GD from Bitesize Bonus
(40:49) Brenda Khan - Yellow Sun
Tom from Other People’s Toys
(45:54) Ween - It’s gonna be a long night
Michael from The Yank Sizzler
(49:34) Martinn - Around the world on New Years Day
Waffles from waffles radio
(53:10) The Walkmen - New Years Eve
Andy from Circles of concrete
(55:37) Luka Bloom - Bridge of Sorrow
Tristesse from And before the first kiss

I must confess, it has been years since I celebrated New Year's Eve. I believe the last time was in 1999, when we had a street party to welcome in 2000. Even then I remember shivering outside in the cold, wondering when would be the earliest I could diplomatically slink inside the house and into bed. I often wonder why I'm such a New Year's Eve Scrooge, seeing as I do enjoy a party and have little fear of embarrassing myself. I suppose it's the notion of enforced frivolity and enjoyment: You WILL stay up until midnight and you WILL drink lots of champagne and you WILL enjoy yourself and you WILL make chit-chat with people who don't care if you live or you die. So I reserve my 'Bah, humbug' not for Chrimbo, but for New Year's Eve. That said, I do hope you all enjoy yourselves...

In a similar vein, I've been strongly resistant to the idea of posting an end-of-year list. So many people have already done a fabulous job of rounding up this year's nuggests of goodness. Coxon posted his fave songs, albums, and gigs; Fraser couldn't contain himself and did it here and here; Andy wrote his in concrete, Marcy got lost in her inbox not once but twice, and Rachel treated us to a myriad of excellent 2006 fayre served up in different ways over here. So in the end I have given in to peer pressure. I am very easily led astray...

And here it is, my list. This is not a 'Best of 2006' - goodness knows I'd never presume to tell you what you should be or should have been listening to. No, this is a totally subjective and flawed recollection of choonz released in 2006 that made me a happy FiL at various points during the year. If I thought about it more, I'm sure I'd come up with others. Definitely not in any order of preference.

Cansei de Ser Sexy - Alala (buy here)
Oh, maan, best thing to come out of Brazil since cachaca.

Snowden - Anti-Anti (buy here or e-here)
Post-punk is not dead. It's alive & well & living in Georgia. Peachy.

Motorettes - You Gotta Look The Parts (buy here)
These lads make me grin summat fierce.

Buzzcocks - Flat-Pack Philosophy (buy here or e-here)
There's life in the old 'Cocks yet. Indeed, they're are at the top of their game.

GWAR - Tormentor (buy here)
Most fun at a gig I had all year. And the fluids!!

Teddybears Sthlm - Hey Boy (buy here)
These Swedes sukapunched me and lodged in my brainstem, where they remain to this day. Thank you, SAS Radio!!

Harvee - Magical Mind (buy e-here)
Lovely Canadians! I wish them bags of success in 2007.

Pony Up! - The Truth About Cats & Dogs (Is That They Die) (buy here or e-here)
More lovely Canadians!! But unfortunately they speak the truth. Ah, the suffering of change...

Ndidi Onukwulu - Old Heart (buy here or e-here)
My surprise discovery of the year. This young blues diva knocked my socks off at the 2006 Vancouver Folk Music Festival.

Sambassadeur - Kate (buy here)
More Swedes! These ones have occupied my soul and are making it ache with their sweet sound.

Camera Obscura - I Need All The Friends I Can Get (buy here or e-here)
Oh, Traceyanne Campbell, how you make me all giddy & giggly. And the kids love you too. As do mine. Sigh.

Well, that's it from me for this year. I'm off to pick up Dearest T from the Vancouver aerodrome, then it's off to Mayne Island early tomorrow morning. I will be incommunicado until sometime during the first week of January, so until then (and afterwards as well), I wish all of you a rollicking start to 2007.

Edit: Damn, damn, damn! I knew I'd forget some worthy tracks, but this one was really too worthy to leave off: Mouse Eat Mouse - Mair Licht (buy e-here). Think Mark E Smith meets Ivor Cutler and Billy Connolly. In a Haircut 100 single played at 33rpm. I have a certain Scottish blogger to thank for this gem.

P.S. Dearest T has arrived, but British Airways saw fit to leave his bags and those of thirty other passengers somewhere in Heathrow. So first stop was to an all-night drugstore to buy a pair of Rhino underpants. Tee hee!

The Night Before Christmas

Visit the man who made this card

The Night Before Christmas
(apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas, in the blogosphere
But not a blogger was posting, it was powerful queer.
I trolled the old stalwarts in search of new fayre,
But came up with nothing, the web was all bare.

Perhaps all my blog friends were seized with good cheer,
And have spurned their computers, for those held dear.
My heart, it was much warmed by this kind seasonal thought
What miracle, what magic had Christmastime wrought!

No bootlegs of Sufjan, not a Kooks rarity,
No Camera Obscura, nor an Arctic Monkey.
No Britney-meets-Carcass-meets-Manilow mash,
No insightful reflection, no wit, no flash.

About this occurence, I felt I must post,
So I typed on my keyboard, and grew deeply engrossed.
For three hours, nay four, I wrote prose most sublime
And picked music tracks that were perfectly divine.

My labour most heartfelt I then tried to upload,
But Blogger just froze and Fileden did implode.
I then understood the fair bloggers' Yueletide plight,
Merry Christmas? Fuck that, I'm off to bed, goodnight.

**********

Dear Friends, I'm going to be out of the blogosphere for a few days now as we gear up for the Chrimbo festivities. I should be back briefly after Boxing Day, but shortly thereafter we are off to glorious Mayne Island to see in the New Year.

Thank you all so very much for stopping by - I really do enjoy your visits! And to my Dearest Friends, including those blogospheric denizens who've become ones over the course of the year (you know who you are), I send extra special holiday greetings and FiLlurve.

Since this will be my last chance to post Yuletide muzak until 2007, here are a final trio of tunes to blast on Christmas morn:

I Am The World Trade Center - Rockefeller Tree (buy e-here, and if you don't know what a Rockefeller Tree is, see here)

Holly Golightly - Christmas Tree On Fire (buy e-here)

The Bellrays - All I Want To Do Is Shag For Christmas (buy e-here)

Feeling Scroogey Yet??

Contrast Podcast is back this week with yet another batch of Christmas cheer to force down your gullets. But this isn't just more of the same-old mouldy fruitcake, oh no! This stuff is cool and crisp, just like a new snowfall on Christmas morning. The Vandals! The Muppets!! The Wedding Present!!! And more!!!! Rejoice, rejoice!!

As usual, you can pull the podcast out of this stocking, or you can get Santa to regularly drop off each episode by subscribing with the following RSS feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast.

OK kids, let's do some rapping and unwrapping!!

(00:55) Eric Metronome - Jesus Christ
Eric Metronome (website/myspace)

(03:58) The Vandals - Oi to the world
Simon from You can call me Betty

(07:04) The Shitbirds - Christmas is a-coming (may God bless you)
SAS Radio

(08:58) The Wedding Present - Step into Christmas
Jim from Quick before it melts

(13:33) My Chemical Romance - All I want for Christmas is you
Bethanne from Clever titles are so last summer

(18:10) Emmy the Great & Lightspeed Champion - Christmas in Prison (buy the charity album here)
Tim The Daily Growl

(21:58) Garrison Keillor - The 12 days of Christmas
Rick from Are you embarassed easily?

(25:50) Unio and Petito - a balm on yer
Deek Deekster from Pod of Funk

(31:37) Loretta Lynn - It won’t seem like Christmas
Michael from The Yank Sizzler

(34:55) Frickin’ A - Merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
Tom from Other People’s Toys

(38:44) Danny Elfman - Making Christmas
Shawn from Das Mobius

(42:59) John Denver and The Muppets - The Christmas Wish
Spoodles from Robot hand is the future

(46:54) Emmy the great - The Woods
Tim from Fun Fun Fun

(50:05) Miles Davis and Bob Dorough - Blue Christmas
Marcy from Lost in your inbox

(53:26) The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo
Bob from Gimme Tinnitus

(57:01) Neko Case - Christmas card from a hooker in Minneapolis
Brian from The Rant

(01:00:57) Victor Scott - O Holy Night
Victor Scott (website/myspace)

For those of you thinking beyond Christmas, Tim's already accepting submissions for the New Year's Eve podcast. But you'd better hurry: submissions are due no later than 21 December!! Still don't know how to participate? All is made clear here.

Now, I know some of you out there are sick to the back teeth of this whole holiday rigmarole for one reason or another. So, in an attempt to put a wee smile, however wry or twisted, on even your faces, let me offer up a batch of tunes that celebrate the darker, downkey, and depressed aspects of the season. If you're dreading yet another year of family arguments, the sardonic Shrag have the tune for you. On the flip side, that nice, morose man fellow from Casiotone For The Painfully Alone paints a lonely picture for those left all by themselves for the holidays. Vancouver's own Young And Sexy ruthlessly reveal Santa's class bias, while the Long Blondes block up their chimney and nurse a bitter, broken heart. And finally, Faster Pussycat and BTFABG paint it all a gothicky black.

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Cold White Christmas (buy here)
The Vichy Government - (One More Widow) One Less White Christmas (atmospheric freebie download from last year. Now unavailable, but this year label Filthy Little Angels is giving away a massive 70-song sampler - for free!! Get it here!!)
The Long Blondes - Christmas is Cancelled (this was a freebie download - how kind!!)
The Raveonettes - The Christmas Song (buy here)
Merle Haggard - If We Make It Through December (buy here or e-here)
Shrag - Stop The Revelry (find this & other similar goodies here)
Young & Sexy - Santa Likes Rich Kids Better (buy here or e-here)
Faster Pussycat - Silent Night (buy here or e-here)
Black Tape For A Blue Girl - Chanukkah, O Chanukkah (buy here)

And for the purists amongst you, here's Oscar the Grouch with his inimitable Noo Yoik take on the holidays: I Hate Christmas (buy here).

I Grow Old...

I grow old. . . I grow old. . .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

-- T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Dearest Friends, today was my birthday. And though I am that little bit older, I do like to think that I will not end up as Eliot's Prufrock, embittered by and regretful of an inauthentic life of paralysis. Yes, so much has happened, and there have been many avenues, now closed, that I did not explore. And I wonder what would have happened if I had. But I look ahead, and am convinced there are still adventures as yet unhad, and opportunities to be uncovered and seized.

It was a low-key day; I spent a good deal of it up on the garage roof unblocking drains and sweeping tree litter. But Dearest Wife made for me a most fantastic chocolate-almond cake spiced with cardamom and chili. And Little Man made me a card in which he drew his first ever recognizable representation: a snowman. A low-key day, but a good one.

Do I hear you ask, "How old?" Well, here, let me give you some clues - first one to get it right gets a copy of the cake recipe.

Donovan - Hurdy-Gurdy Man (buy here)
The Beatles - Revolution (buy here)
William Shatner - Mr Tambourine Man (buy here)

I fear that this day in history is actually a bit of a musical desert. The best I can come up with is that I share a birthday with Bananarama co-founder Sara Dallin. But I am pleased to say she's several years my senior. Was that bitchy? Bop-bop-shoobee-doo-aaah...

Bananarama with Fun Boy Three - Really Saying Something (buy here)

But the real question is: do I now qualify as a dirty old man??

Thee Headcoatees - Dirty Old Man (buy here )

Christmas Contrast

Well, roger me sideways with a candy cane and douse me in mincemeat, it's time for the first instalment of the Contrast Podcast Yuletide extravaganza! And at the helm of this runaway sleigh is none other than jolly old Chrimbo Timbo. Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum. The CP elves have obviously been hard at work, picking the finest festive ditties for your enjoyment.

There's no need to wait until Christmas - just click here to unwrap this present, or get the gift that keeps on giving by subscribing through this RSS feed:

http://feeds.feedburner.com/ContrastPodcast

Woah, the reindeer are getting restless - I'd better get to the list...

(00:00) Eels - Everything’s gonna be cool this Christmas
Tim from the face of today
(03:28) The Wombats - Is this Christmas
Ross from Just Gimme Indie Rock
(07:23) And What Will Be Left Of Them? - Have yourself a filthy little Christmas
FiL from Pogoagogo
(10:58) Laura Nyro - Up on the roof
Adam from Beggars Banquet
(14:49) Axydlbaaxr - Carol of the bells
Axydlbaaxr’s stumbleupon page
(19:13) The Andrews Sisters and Bing Crosby - Mele Kalikimaka
Kip from Hip to be square
(22:47) Mydols - Merry Frickin’ Christmas
GD from Bitesize Bonus
(25:38) Remy Zero - Someday at Christmas
Andy from Circles of concrete
(28:41) My Morning Jacket - Christmas Time is here again
Duke of Straw from The late greats
(35:18) Barry & the Beachcombers - Booka’s list
Crash from Pretending life is like a song
(36:26) Centro-matic - It’s starting to look like Christmas
Alex from Totally true tales from Texas
(40:39) John Leguizamo - The night before Christmas
Cindy from Adzuki bean stash
(44:40) Dressy Bessy - All the right reasons
Amy from Shake your fist
(47:39) Low - Just like Christmas
Natalie from Mini-Obs
(51:18) The Smashing Pumpkins - Christmas Time
Jamie from The Run Out Groove
(55:08) The Von Trapp Children - Carol of the Bells
ZB from So the wind won’t blow it all away
(59:53) Fear - Fuck Christmas
Chris from Culturebully

If you've got a seasonal carol you want to share, don't despair! There's still time to contribute to next week's part two - find out how right here.

Dearest Friends, my stockings are soooo chock-full of Christmas warbles that it goes without saying that there were loads of runners up. So let me sling another lot of choonz your way. Now, don't fret, I'm not going to get all reflective on you. This won't be another one of my "I-liquefied--my-left-hand-in-the-blender-making-egg-nog-daquiris-but-it-taught-me-the-true-meaning-of-Christmas" posts. This one is all about arse-out fun. Yep, 'tis the season for making silly. For going along to excruciatingly cheesy parties and snogging Brenda (or Bruce) from Accounts Receivable under a sprig of mistletoe. For getting giggly with gramps and granny on the gin. For moshing round the menorah with the menschen. For conducting regrettable experiments with advocaat, Baileys, soy egg nog, and port. For rockin' around the tree with Da Kidz. For gorging on shite like plum pudding and friutcake that at any other time of the year would be used to pave streets.

And so, in the spirit of Christmas parties everywhere, here's a poptastic holiday mix for your enjoyment. Better run, coz I'm about to break out that mistletoe and Baileys...

St Etienne - I Was Born On Christmas Day (buy here)
Boney M - Feliz Navidad (buy here)
Kurtis Blow - Christmas Rappin (buy here)
Sam Flanagan - Frosty DMC (this mashup f'ing rawkz da bellz!!)
The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping (buy here)
The Pipettes - White Christmas (freebie from Memphis Industries)
Supposedly The Beatles - White Christmas (Allegedly off of a fanclub flexidisc, but some of my kind & discerning readers say otherwise, and they're probably right. Calumny! I've been duped!! And to think I traded the family cow for this tune - what will Mother say?? I no longer warrant the authenticity of this track- you click the link, you take your chances...)
The Kinks - Father Christmas (buy here)
Slade - Merry X-mas Everybody (buy here)
Beach Boys - Little St Nick (buy here)

It's A Fair Cop

A Very Nice Mountie

Dearest Friends, our family's downward slide into criminality continues. You may recall Dearest Father-Out-Law's brush with the Mounties back in October. Well, it is with a heavy heart that I must report my own descent into lawlessness. Yes, in one brief, fleeting moment I was transformed from a staid, respectable, family man into Gangsta FiL. Here is my sorry tale...

I had just dropped off Little Man at home after his regular Saturday swimming lesson. My intention had been to run a few errands on the way, but his sporadic breakfast cough was becoming increasingly persistent cough and told me that he was probably not up to the task. I also felt a wee bit of guilt begin to gnaw away, asking me whether sending him off to swim today had been wise. So with Dearest Wife's imperative to return in less than an hour so she could take Darling Daughter off to ballet, I jumped into the Golden Pimpwagon and took off.

As I tooled down the road, I mulled over all I needed to do: pick up an ink cartridge, find a Chrimbo prezzie for my mother, order a ham at the butcher for Christmas dinner, and fill up the car with petrol. A quick glance at the clock told me I could do it all, if I hurried. Then I got a bit annoyed - hurry, hurry hurry. I hate hurrying. I hate hurrying particularly on the weekend. And doubly so during the holiday season. Hadn't I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself be forced to hurry this year? Irritation grew, and to top it all off that nasty provocateur Julian Cope was egging me on with his popular beat combo music on the stereo. My foot grew heavy on the accelerator, and then, off the the right...

A policeman. Waving me down. Telling me to pull over.

"Good morning sir, you were doing over 100 kilometers in an 80 kilometer zone. May I please see your driver's license and registration?"

I waited on the shoulder while the cop checked my details back in his squad car. I sweated, thinking about the five keys of blow I had in the spare tire, the unlicensed Glock 9mm in the glove compartment, and the endangered Golden Lion Tamarin under the front seat. But I really started to tremble when I thought of my mp3 player - that unauthorized Yo La Tengo track alone would get me five years in maximum security...

Alright, so yet again I exaggerate. No blow, no Glock, no protected, tiny monkeys, and no Yo la Tengo (whew!). Just an embarrassed, mad-at-himself FiL.

The cop returned. He was ever so nice about it all; he gave me the lowest fine he could ($138, reduced by $25 if paid within 30 days), and didn't even feel the need to lecture me. As I pulled away nice and slow, he bagged another miscreant with his radar gun.

Sitting in the Staples carpark, I spent a few minutes trying to stop feeling so stupid. I asked myself what was I supposed to learn from this episode, apart from the obvious "Obey the speed limit." What it came down to was that despite my self-entreaties to chill out, I had become caught up in the hectic frenzy of the season. I had let myself get frazzled and irritated, and had paid for it. Indeed, I thought, this was a lesson that went beyond Christmas.

Having somewhat regained my equilibrium, I proceeded with my errands. Though I didn't manage to fill up the car or get a present for Mum, I did stick to the speed limit.

And I felt a whole lot calmer for it.

Lightnin' Hopkins - You're Too Fast (buy here or e-here)
Nouvelle Vague - Guns of Brixton (buy here )
Grandmaster Flash - White Lines (buy here)
Clinic - Monkey on My Back (buy here )
Classix Nouveaux - Guilty (buy here)

And as a bonus, here's the sublime Copey track that I tried to blame for pushing me over the edge: Julian Cope - An Elegant Chaos (buy here)

In this elegant chaos / I stand to one side / Shouting 'Ha!'